How to decide on cardinal changes in life

In the autumn, when nature changes dramatically, preparing for the cold, many of us also instinctively want to change something in life. Someone begins to think about changing jobs, someone - about parting with a partner, well, and someone is completely eager to move to another country. How to understand what is behind such impulses - a real need or a momentary whim? And what really prevents us from deciding on cardinal changes? We learn from a specialist.

As notes existential psychotherapist Tatiana Zakhartsova, a person in his life usually faces two categories of cardinal change. The first of these is significant events that we cannot influence in any way - the death of loved ones, dismissal, retirement, emergency events, etc.

The second category of change is what happens on our own initiative. In this case, we still have the illusion of control over the situation. Nevertheless, such changes are always a great deal of stress, as they entail the destruction of the usual life scenarios and alarming uncertainty.

The specialist identifies several circumstances in which we have a desire to drastically change something in life:

Loss of meaning “This is a normal situation: my priorities and meanings are changing, my life is changing. For example, when a person enters into marriage or a relationship, a new meaning is found, life changes, ”Tatiana Zakhartsova comments.

Change as an end in itself. In some cases, a person needs to change something simply because his life is mired in a routine.

Losing yourself. According to the psychologist, in this case we strive to change something in life because of an uncomfortable situation in which we suddenly cease to feel and understand ourselves, our needs and desires. And in this case, the search for ourselves often leads us to follow the wishes and needs of others. For example, after graduating from the institute, we go to work where the parents offer. Or instead of leaving the protracted decree to work, we again decide to get pregnant at the insistence of her husband.

Displacement of feelings “This is also an uncomfortable state, when I do not understand well what is with me, but the tension is so great that there is a need to change something,” explains the expert. For example, in the case of a middle age crisis, many men are not able to accept aging and decide to have a young mistress instead of dealing with internal experiences.

Fatigue, despair. “A difficult condition when the current situation is so unbearable that a person drops everything and leaves. Sometimes this is accompanied by a complete revision of life, but it also happens that a person decides to completely die, ”explains Tatiana Zakhartsova.

How to understand: is our desire to change something serious?

According to the expert, if the desire for change is dictated by certain natural causes (marriage, childbirth, graduation from the institute), then, as a rule, they occur planned and consistently.

“In other cases, in order to understand the seriousness of your intentions, it is better not to act impulsively, but to take a pause — time to think it over,” recommends the specialist. During this period, it is better to try to somehow switch - go on vacation, take up the garden in the country, and then again return to the original desire and assess their motives.

In assessing the motives, Tatyana Zakhartsova advises using the following technique: “Think about yourself in a long time - 5-10 years: how do you see yourself in fantasy? Now try to be at the point where you are now in five steps. How do the desired changes fit into these steps? ”

Why are we so afraid of change?

Despite the fact that controlled changes usually change lives for the better, it can be difficult to decide on them. “The fact is that change is always uncertainty and anxiety. No one knows what they will turn around, too many options for the development of events and results, there are no guarantees. We lose our island of stability and certainty. And this is not easy, ”explains the expert. That is why we often stay in outdated relationships or on boring work.

How to overcome the fear of change and still begin to act?

If you decide that the desire for change is serious and necessary, then it is worth starting with working out what is holding it back. “Psychologically, adults (who are responsible for their own lives, choices, can make decisions and cope with the consequences of their choices) are much easier to change. Because they have self-reliance inside, ”notes Tatyana Zakhartsova.

But infantile personalities to push themselves to the necessary changes can be extremely difficult. According to the expert, the only way to deal with the fear of change is to meet him. “It is important to understand: what exactly are you afraid of in changes? What is actually fear? The fear of change is usually a complex, confused feeling. Sometimes it helps to disassemble it into parts and examine each separately, ”the expert notes.

According to the specialist, fear of change may hide the fear of losing control, the fear of uncertainty of the process of change or result, the fear of not coping with a new life, etc.

Having met with the fact that you are so scared, answer the question: “Why do I need this fear? How does he help me? And what hinders? ”.

Well, if you feel that the prospect of changing something in life is causing you too much anxiety, then it is worth considering whether you are quite ready for them. “Pushing yourself to change when you are not ready for them is not useful. Everything has its time. If for some reason you haven't been away from your husband for several years, but thinking about it may not be all that simple. There are always reasons and motives that we understand, and there are those that remain in the shadows, and I think it is important to respect and understand them, ”the psychologist notes.